My mom struggled with SUD my whole life. When I was 7, my parents got sober and began attending AA meetings and church. My life flipped upside down. I rebelled. When I was about 14-16 they relapsed, I got pregnant, and wasn’t really around to see how bad it got after that. A few years later they got divorced. My mom continued to struggle on and off, never going back to 12-step meetings, switching one drug for another. Until I was about to be released from prison at 28 years old and they wanted to parole me to her house. I demanded she go on MAT because if I came home to someone using, I would use and I didn’t want to. She was on MAT for 11 years and at her best! But she never went back to a 12-step fellowship. She had her bible study friends and her 3 children, all of us constantly in and out of recovery and SUD. She didn’t have the support network that I have today through NA. Her depression got the best of her and she decided to go off MAT and use again. To imagine my 66 year old mother driving through Salem, NJ looking for drugs horrifies me. I was handing out backpacks at an Angels In Motion event in Atlantic City when I got the call. I had a year and a half clean at the time. My knees buckled, I fell to the ground, they put me in the van and hugged me through the phone call. I didn’t believe the Maintainance man of her building who was calling to tell me my mother was dead. With the help of AIM volunteers, I called my little brother, and one of them called my friend Elle and ubered her to come to where we were. She drove my car to my brothers house and we picked up our big brother. The next 2 weeks were the hardest of my life. We didn’t have a funeral, we just spent those weeks in her apartment, the three of us together, missing her. I blamed specific people involved when she first died. But I know today, it wasn’t anyone’s fault, not hers or theirs. It’s the disease of addiction. It’s a monster, that never leaves. I know today that if I don’t stay vigilant in my own recovery, I too can use again. I have a healthy fear and respect of my disease and I do what I have to to stay clean today. One day at a time. I believe in MAT. I also believe in 12-step recovery or whatever form of recovery you chose that includes the support of people like us, other people in recovery from SUD to help us through life on life’s terms. My network carried me for months, years, still today. My friend Amanda took me to meetings when I didn’t want to go, and held my hand the whole time. I didn’t use over my mom’s overdose because I knew I needed to stay clean and to stay strong for my brothers. I made a decision in her apartment to love them how she loved us, unconditionally.
